Zoes diary
by chantelle222
Summary: Extracts from Zoe's diary. ( contains Lily/Ethan Zoe/Max Sam/Tom Connie/Cal { contains mentions of Suicide and Self harm}
1. Monday 17th April

_Monday 17__th__ April_

Dear Diary…

Its becoming harder and harder everyday because each time a patient is transferred to another ward or surgery Max always comes to take them. He smiles at me at least that's a sign he likes me as a friend.

But as much as I would want to get with him I can't bring myself to express my feelings towards him I don't know why. He's thirteen years younger than me but I havent took a liking to someone this much since Nick left. When Nick left it was if my whole world was crashing down in front of me and I was powerless to stop it. But since Max arrived it was as if Nick never existed and sometimes I even think that he may of never existed, I mean he was everything I looked or in a man plus more.

Connie and I have talked and have become close friends . Its hard been clinical lead all the meetings and stress. I had another complaint filed today from a patient about the same doctor. If I get one more complaint about Caleb I will have to get rid of him. Ever since he started he has caused bother for all the staff but I think Connie has taken a liking to him. Whenever she can she hangs out with Cal whether its her break or treating a patient.

Well it's getting late now and I have an early shift in the morning so I should go.

Yours sincerely

Zoe

xx


	2. Tuesday 18th April

_Tuesday 18__th__ April_

Dear Diary…

I nearly flipped today. Noel and big Mac were having their daily gossip as usual but instead of the usual victims it was me! I had to threaten big Mac before I got it out of him. Someone had been going around saying that I had been having an affair behind Charlie's wives back. Since when though I mean if I was having an affair which I'm not it would be with someone decent like Max. No I havnt asked him yet but I'm waiting for the right moment don't judge me.

I havnt had another complaint about Cal yet. I'm thinking of asking Max out soon maybe next month. Yes that is a long time nut I will be dropping hints!

I can't face work tomorrow as I have been cutting again and everyone will see the cuts!

Anyway Connie is coming over later to check on me. Yes she knows about the cuts! But she's helped a lot I suppose.

She'll be here in an hour so I best go wish me luck!

Yours sincerely

Zoe

xx


	3. Wednesday 19th April

_Wednesday 19__th__ April_

Dear Diary…

The rumours spread quickly and now its hot topic even though it isn't true! Yes I'm crying right now so don't judge me! Max has heard too and he's not speaking to me as much as I try to tell him its lies. Connie came last night she checked my cut and made sure it's not infected. She also has been telling me what's going on as I left her in charge.

No complaints still luckily. He must have heard and is attempting to be nice. Luckily it's working. Connie's coming again tonight. No I'm not going to chuck you in the bin for Connie your still my best friend. Oh yeah I nearly forgot to tell you don't worry about me when I'm gone I'm normally just doing overtime. Well actually waiting until everyone has left that knows about the rumour. I and Charlie have become enemies because he thinks I said that.

I'll have to go now sorry someone's at my door. Sorry again sorry.

Yours sincerely

Zoe

xx


	4. Thursday 20th April

_Thursday 20__th__ April_

Dear Diary…

So sorry about yesterday it wasn't who I was expecting at my door. Never in a million years what I have of expected Louise turning up at my door apologizing. I didn't know what she was apologizing for I mean it was my fault all of it. I took Charlie into the staffroom to chat and now they all think this!

Max still isn't speaking to me and he's completely avoiding me now. Yes I'm still harming myself and Connie found me unconscious yesterday because of blood loss so now she is staying with me to make sure I don't cut again. She's took every single knife from my rooms and she's told me to take time off to get myself sorted out. She doesn't realise though I keep a knife under my floorboard beside my bed so she'll never get her hands on that. I know she means well but I have to have a way to relieve myself and without that knife I cant.

I can here perfect by P!nk on in the background. If only I was perfect. Now Connie's living with me there's more time in the day to think which is bad as it leaves me with all my thoughts and you know how bad I can be with emotional thoughts.

Its 3:10 so I should really go not hat I'll be sleeping but still.

Yours sincerely

Zoe

xx


	5. Friday 21st April

_Friday 21__st__ April_

Dear Diary…

I'm going back to work on Monday and for once I can't wait. It will mean that I won't be left with my thoughts and that I can tell everyone the truth! Wait I know! I can show them the CCTV camera's there is and then they will have to believe me!

I hope Max doesn't hate me still. I don't know why I like him. Apart from he's sweet, funny, good fun, cute and loads more. Wow okay I do know why I like him the list is never ending. I hope he does like me back. I planned the day imp going to ask him. It will be 18th May so twenty seven days to go. I can't wait. I've played what I'm going to say in my head around one thousand times that I know it off by heart. I probably will end up saying something else but oh well I'll try not to.

I need to think of some way to make him trust me again because I think when the thing about me and Charlie came out he thought I was having an affair with him. Like I said if I was having an affair which I'm NOT it would be with someone nice and understanding.

My past is catching up with me now. I keep seeing my bullies in town and everywhere they keep speaking to me saying how sorry they but I havnt forgive them and never will! I know they mean well but look at all the trouble they caused me in my childhood all the self-harm and constant suicide attempts. Luckily for me I didn't get sectioned thank gosh. I know this is a lot longer than my usual entries but for a change I woke up early and it's another three hours until Connie will be up. I'm up and ready hair done changed makeup on. I'm going in to check on my department today. This should be fun. I might ask Connie if she could show them the CCTV of the on call room at least then they might believe me!

Anyway I really should get going I'm starving here. Yes for once I'm actually hungry.

Yours sincerely

Zoe

xx


	6. Saturday 22nd April

_Saturday 22nd April_

Dear Diary…

Yesterday was one of the worst days this week! I forgot to ask Connie and I was shut up in my office all day because everyone was just giving me dirty looks. No wonder they think I slept with him though knowing my record I would of. I'm still stuck in my office now because I fell asleep. I would sneak through the on call room but they will think that I had done what I apparently did before. Max has been talking to me again telling me it wasn't my fault I tried telling him and this time he listened and he look at the CCTV and said he will show every one so that good I suppose. No I havnt asked him yet I said I organized a day when I was going or ask him so…

I'm going to get going now sorry I need to get back to Connie.

Yours sincerely

Zoe

xx


	7. Sunday 23rd April

**Hi! Sorry I have not updated in a while. I had my sats. Updates should be back to normal now x**

_Sunday 23__rd__ April_

Dear Diary…

It's coming up to the end of the month and that means it's getting closer to asking him and to be honest I'm getting nervous! Yes I'm still going to ask him hopefully. 7 days to go now because I changed it im counting it's on my calendar. Cal came round earlier. He came to see Connie I have no idea why though I think there secretly dating I'm not sure though so I'll have to ask Connie since she is my best friend.

Sometimes I do wish I had done something with my life apart from been a doctor I mean I'm single and all my life I have just focused on achieving my dream of becoming a doctor so I am not married. I have slept with about ½ the staff and now look where it has got me. Oh well you have to take life as it comes at you!

I should tell you what happened in work today shouldn't I?! It got round the ED and people are starting to believe me thank gosh. Big mac did a good job today which I was happy about. Connie found my knife. She nearly flipped but I think she remembered everything that I had been through. I really want to ask him but I daren't.

I think I'm developing anxiety, I have all the symptoms and what not. I sat and watched them woman in black yesterday as an old friend of mine was in it.

Anyway I should get going now since it's getting late and I need to rest.

Yours sincerely

Zoe

xx


	8. Monday 24th April

**Monday 24****th**** April 2014**

Dear diary…

6 days to go now I cannot wait yet I am so nervous I mean I havnt chosen an outfit or what to say or anything. I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.

I don't think Connie trusts me anymore or even likes me to be fair. After she found the knife she has started acting all strange. She won't speak to me or even look at me unless she has to. I really want to speak to her but I can't pick up the courage to do so. I think she is just using me as a test subject, I mean she only speaks to me or is nice to me when its medical stuff. I mean I know she wants to be a world famous doctor but I never thought someone could stoop that low!

I cannot believe that she has been hanging with Cal in my house! But I have used that to my advantage you see each time they have been hanging out I have been in her room and have searched through her things. I attempted to look through her phone but luckily for her it was password protected! The only thing I found was her diary. Not a diary like you just a date one. The only thing to do with me that I spotted was on 28th April which read talk to MHH about Zoe. I racked my brain but could think of anything to do with MHH except my home honey but obviously it wasn't that! But I'm still thinking!

Max called today. He stayed on for a while but then he had to end the call as it was past his break. No I still havnt gone back to work again but I intend to go in tomorrow as I havnt been for a while and I need to see how Connie has been running my ED.

I have been catching up on my television programs now as Connie will finally allow me to watch it. She wouldn't let me watch it for a few weeks as it contained self-harm. I have realised that I am fat I mean I weigh up at 11 stone which is super fat for a woman of thirty seven so I intend to lose some more weight even though I am already starving myself. I am aiming to weigh 4 stone by the end of the week which isn't hard as I keep making myself sick which results in me losing around half a stone per day. I cant weight to be skinny.

Uh oh Connie's coming I best hide otherwise she will see the cuts. Oh yes I forgot to mention two important things! The first is that I found a new way to harm myself. You see my nails are very long which makes them a good weapon as they can dig into my skin and remove the pain Also that I cut again today. No not just because Matt came begging for my forgiveness but the fact that everywhere I go a gang follow me around shouting abuse at me!

You are a great source of comfort and I love the fact that you listen and don't judge (much) and that I may need to confide in you my deepest secret that nobody know! I am not infertile!

Anyway I best get going now as Connie has left so I'll talk soon!

Yours

Zoe

xx


	9. Tuesday 25th April

**Sorry I havnt updated in a while. All my other stories are on hold until this one is finsihed.**

**Tuesday 25****th**** April 2014**

Dear diary…

5 days to go now! I am now back at work but I am mainly doing paper work which sucks. I am not allowed to do much as Connie tells me my cuts need to heal. She still isn't talking to me and she and Cal well don't get me started. Oh I forgot to say Sam told me a secret today! You will never guess what it is though. Sam and Iain are having an affair! I wonder how that will turn out. Also while I was gone Lily and Cal had a one stand as a bet and Lily found out I felt so sorry for her. Ethan tried to ask Lily out but she said she loves Cal but Cal loves Connie and Connie loves Cal! Wow that's confusing.

Anyway I should get going it's getting late. Bye

Yours

Zoe

Xx

**Sorry its short I don't know what else to do any ideas would be helpful may update later. Night x**


	10. Wednesday 26th April

**Wednesday 26****th**** April 2014**

Dear diary…

4 days to go now wow I'm excited yet scared. Oh no what if he says no and hates me! Right Zoe stay calm he may say no but if he says yes he's yours just think positive. Its confirmed Connie and Cal are seeing each other. I'm happy for them. You know when I told you about Connie's diary and the MHH that she had planned well guess what! It means mental health hospital. I'm so angry and I feel betrayed. With all those thoughts in my mind I didn't concentrate on my paperwork and I accidently put Connie is a cow. I didn't mean it! But I handed it into guy and he went nuts! I may have told you this but Guy likes Connie. Anyway so he went nuts and told me if I make another mistake I would lose my job and Connie would get it! With that I couldn't handle it anymore so I grabbed my nails and clawed them into my skin which made me feel slightly sick and dizzy but I lived with it.

Anyway I should get going now so I'll see you later bye.

Yours

Zoe

Xx


	11. Thursday 27th April

**Thursday 27****th**** April 2014**

Dear diary…

3 days to go now! I feel slightly sick because of the excitement. I haven't felt this happy since I fell in love with Nick. Any way I need to tell you something important. It's not too serious well it sort of is but oh well! You see today max's step sister Robyn was brought into the ED today because she was hit by a car. Oh doesn't worry she's fine just a broken arm. But Max was very worried and because I wasn't treating her I got to comfort Max! How amazing is it. He let me hug him and hold his hand to comfort him I was so excited but I had to put a sad face one to make him think I was upset.

You know I said about Cal and Connie well guess what! Connie's pregnant! I was so happy when I found out even though I can't tell anyone I told you oops!

Anyway Connie's shouting me for dinner as I'm having it with her and Cal. Oh and you know I told you about me writing on my paperwork. Yeah well guy told Connie and she told him to shove the job up his butt and she told me she completely understood but I had to own up to what I had done but she didn't really mind. Anyway I should get going she's getting impatient so bye!

Yours

Zoe

Xx


	12. Friday 28th April

**Friday 28****th**** April 2014**

Dear diary…

2 days to go now! Dinner went great with them we discussed about when the child is born and I said that they could still live here if they liked and I would move out as my house has five bedrooms two en suite bathrooms and much more but you already knew. Anyway they said that I could be the god mother. It turns out she is 3 months but she's still as skinny as a slice of celery. Okay maybe you can tell I little bit okay a lot but I thought she was just gaining weight I weighed my self today. It came up as 7st 4ibs. I know that's fat! I want to be 4st. No I don't have an eating disorder I'm just super fat.

2 days and I will be asking him out. I hope he doesn't say no. arrgh I always wonder where these thoughts spawn from. Ha-ha that's from the monster which describes me perfectly!

Anyway I'm going to get going now talk soon bye.

Yours

Zoe

Xx


	13. Saturday 29th April

**Saturday 29th April 2014**

Dear diary…

Tomorrows the day. I have planned what I am going to d=say and this is it.

"Max listen I really like you and wondered if maybe you would like to go out."

See is that okay if he says no I know what I will be doing. I really want to get an early night but I just can't sleep so ill chat for a bit.

Connie and Caleb are so perfect together you can tell he loves her and he has planned to propose to her. I'm so happy for them!

Anyway I'm going to go as I cannot wait bye!

Yours

Zoe

Xx


	14. Sunday 30th April

Dear Diary…

I's like your screaming

And no one can here

You almost feel ashamed

That someone could be that important

That without them you feel like nothing

No one will ever understands how much it hurts

You feel hopeless

Like nothing can save you

And when it's over and its gone

You almost wish you could have all that bad stuff back

So that you could have the good

Yours sincerely

Zoe

xx


	15. Knife or Rope?

_Do NOT read this chapter if you get easily upset as this contains suicide_

_Zoe's pov_

_I grabbed a knife and some rope. He had rejected me I thought he cared but obviously not. I thought he like me so I did it and I got rejected so im going to do it , what I have longed to do for years im going to hang myself. All I want right is to let go but I cant. I've bottled it up for years and I suppose ive just used up all the storage is one way of putting it. No ones in so I tie the rope to the top of my fan and tie a loop at the end of it where I place my neck and I grab the knife of the side and slice my arm a few times then lower my feet. I can feel the rope digging into my neck and tightening it up and im struggling to breath and that's the final thing I feel before everything goes black._


	16. 19:12

_Do NOT read this chapter if you get easily upset as this contains suicide and bad language _

_Connie's Pov_

_Zoe hadn't been in all day and I was starting to worry so I decided to go check on her. As I walked in I saw Zoe. She was hanging with rope around her neck. I froze to the spot registering what was in front of me._

_"__SHIT ZOE!" I shouted running towards her and lowering her off the rope. I felt for a pulse but I couldn't find one so I began CPR. Thirty minutes later she was back in sinus rhythm so I took her to my car and drove her to the ED. Luckily for her when we got there, there wernt many people around so I took her straight to a bed in a private room as she wouldn't want to be seen by her colleuges even though I would have to tell them so I decided to call one now to tell them._

_Max's Pov_

_Connie has just called a staff meeting so I dragged myself along I needed to tell Zoe that I did like her and that I was worried that it was just a practical joke which is why I said no._

_When I got there Connie was crying and Cal was hugging her. When she saw that everyone was here she took a deep breath and began._

_" __Umm well Zoe she umm" She attempted to get out before she burst out crying and Cal took her into an embrace before he finished her sentence._

_" __Zoe attempted suicide and she is now in hospital and there is a very slim chance she will recover and if she does she has damaged her vocal cords."_

_Everyone soon started to cry. Even Charlie he loved Zoe like a daughter every one was crying and it was all my fault. I ran to my office and threw everything on the floor in anger. It was all my fault I had driven her to this. After a hour I went into her office and spotted a diary which was on her desk. I picked it up and read it. _

_After I read it I had to wipe my eyes as I had been crying. I didn't care about anything anymore it was all my fault. If she dies I will never be able to forgive myself. I made my way up to the room she was staying in and sat down. I took hold of her hand and whispered sorry to her. As I did so the machines began to bleep and nurses and doctors ran in and began CPR._

_After a hour of CPR they all stepped back._

_" __Are we all agreed?" one of them asked and all the doctors nodded._

_" __Time of death 19:12" another doctor said…_

**So how did you like it that was the final chapter but I will be writing a sequal. Please review your thoughts thanks.**


End file.
